It's not working

The no MFD experiment is not working for me. While I don't miss the crazy idea, searching for magic-bullet posts, I do miss the support of the more sane and rational members of MFD. I've emailed and asked my forum privileges be restored.

She breathes...

Life has been going on and I've been attempting to keep up with it. The biggest news now is that I now much punch a time clock (via the Internet - how 21st century) at work. In all honesty, I have not worked a 40 hour week since I started. So this change has been a bit disconcerting since I've already had problems fitting everything in. But I've come up with a solution that is a compromise to D's sensibilities and my own needs - but puts my needs first:

I get up and workout in the AM. I still commute to work with D on most days and then I work for another hour after we get home. (Thankfully - flexible schedules and working remotely are still options!) This will work best for me. I don't really like working out in the AM, but consistency is key.

On to other news - my weight is holding steady. URGH. Too high. I feel fat. So, I've cut sugar and starches from my diet. Well, sugar and bread. This is new and the decision to do so is based on my knowledge and further research on the best nutritional practices to manage PCOS and insulin resistance. My goal is to keep my sugar grams to 30 or fewer per day.

That's my news. Not much. And that's OK.

Words Matter

There's an annoying television commercial on the air - hawking yet another 'magic pill' diet solution. I think it's SlimQuick or something like that. The magic pill part is annoying as usual, but what gets me with this commercial is the cartoon character's whine "Dieting is hard."

Sometimes making choices to eat foods that provide our bodies with just the sustenance they need can be difficult. And sometimes making choices to keep our bodies physically healthy with exercise can be difficult. Sometimes the difficulties come from time constraints. Sometimes it comes from logistical issues. Most of the time though, they come from our own minds.

I'm not going to talk so much about how the mind works, but more in terms of what I've discovered for myself: if I tell myself something is hard, it will be hard. If I tell myself I don't want to exercise, I don't. If I tell myself exercise is boring, it is.

A friend recently described her exercise as enlivening. I likeed that very much - so positive and full of energy, at the same time peaceful.

Lately, I've fallen into the trap of whining about my weight management efforts (or lack thereof). Perhaps that's why that commercial annoys me so much. But seeing how positively my friend referenced her workout session reminded me that I need to really examine my self-talk - not just about me, but also in terms of my weight management. I'll be working on this as I move forward.

Being Realistic When It Comes To Food

As I type this, I just started a batch of yogurt incubating so some of you may think I'm being hypocritical. I know I've been struggling with it for a while myself.

As many of you know, I strive to avoid processed foods whenever possible. My definition of processed is fairly lax or I'd never be able to eat cheese or chocolate and well, life isn't worth living if I can't have cheese and chocolate sometimes. Mainly I avoid prepared foods like any of those "_____ Helper" boxes, frozen dinners, canned vegetables, mass produced yogurt, cereal, chips, etc. It's actually fairly easy to avoid these foods when I shop for the foods I like to eat on a regular basis. For the most part, I follow the mantra of sticking to the perimeter of the store. (Thankfully, my grocery store's wine department is on the perimeter!)

Anyway, lately, I've been wondering if a compromise might be in order as the time I have available to planning and preparing healthy foods and snacks for myself is diminishing. My snacks actually take planning - I don't eat just an apple. I combine fruit with peanut butter or some form of fat/protein for balance. My appetite is dimishing (thanks metformin) and I want to take advantage of that - but it's hard to stay balanced when working with just a few calories. I've been thinking about substituting Kashi Go-Lean Roll bars sometimes. But that's caused me much inner turmoil - is that compromise worth it? Can I just eat 1/4 of an apple with a smear of peanut butter instead of 1/2 with 1 TBSP? How do I keep the rest of the apple? The Kashi Bar can be cut in half and easily preserved. But the apple? Ack.

Anway - the above paragraph shows how good I am at making myself crazy. Then along comes Mark Bittman who also advocates real food. He also advocates eating realistically. His latest blog entry suggests we strive for good wholesome food, rather than organic or local or whatever the trendiest marketing catch-phrase is. And you know - I do put Kashi and the Kashi Go-Lean Roll bars in the category of good and wholesome. A bit processed - but it's not a fried Snicker's bar either.

Showing Up

I think one of the drawbacks to maintenance (or weight loss) is that it is easy to not give ourselves credit for anything less than perfection. I've recently discovered (Thanks to Refuse to Regain) an other maintainer's blog and he makes an excellent point that sometimes we need to give ourselves credit for just showing up. jack-sprat.net » Blog Archive » On with the show…

I can't count the number of times I joined and quit Weight Watchers during my obese years. I quit because I hadn't followed the program perfectly and I felt guilty and life got in the way and made it very easy to rationalize missing a meeting. And missing one meeting made it easier to skip the following week which made it easier to just say "what the hell" and give up.

I know Sandra from Keeping The Pounds Off is going through some rough medical issues right now that prevent her from maintaining the active life she loves. She gets credit for still showing up and practicing other weight management behaviors. (Do you hear that, Sandra?)

Just like I get credit for still showing up: I've made a renewed effort with a like-minded weight manager via a private 'coaching' blog. I'm posting my weight here. I'm acknowledging successes and areas that still need tweaking.

Is your life at a stage where just showing up can seem like a monumental effort? If so - give yourself credit for showing up. That's at least half the battle!

Eat the World

Yesterday was another "Eat The World" day (Thanks for that great description, Peach!)

At least the eating was mostly healthy and at least there was no candy involved. And at least it was offset by a good sweaty exercise session. And at least I logged my calories.

And not least of all - I'm very proud of myself for 'babysitting' over 100 danishes & bagels we had brought in for a big meeting. I had to set up the spread in a break room so I sort of had to keep an eye on them to make sure no one got into them before the intended recipients got out of their meeting and made it to the break room. (Why is it that free food attracts people like flowers attract bees?) Anyway - by the time the intended arrived, I'd been inhaling pastry scents for almost an hour and I had a sugar high just from the aromas! I was very pleased with my choice of a bagel rather than the chocolate filled whatever it was that had been teasing me. My mantra of ignore was sorely tested!

Today's been a bit better. No candy to ignore. No pastries to ignore. Just my thinking I'm hungry to ignore. I've been able to do that, I'm pleased to say.

Chocolate is gone

I've read a few blogs over the last few days and it seems that many weight loss sustainers have had difficulty with the abundance of chocolate these past few days - me included.

I'm happy to report for me, the chocolate indulgence is over. I feel my will to ignore it coming back. Notice the word I used - not resist, but ignore. Resist implies struggle. Ignore implies not important. And that's what chocolate is - not important in the big scheme of things.

Neither was the home made ice cream I didn't get yesterday. I saved room for it. I ate wisely so I could have the indulgence. I even skipped my planned dessert (strawberry shortcake) once I saw that home made ice cream was being served. I love ice cream and home made is better than any store bought version. So, I'm in line and the person in front of me got the last of it. What did I do? I resisted poking my lower lip out and going into full pout. I did not resist (or ignore) the home made chocolate chip cookies sitting next to the ice cream table. It was good. Not as good as my chocolate chip cookies, but it was good. And that was the last of the indulgences.

I came home, worked out, and logged my food. I ate to lose. Not bad all things considered.

No more ...

A lot of people have written to me over the past few years to tell me what an inspiration I am to them. I feel like a fraud.

It's time to get honest with myself. My current way of eating and blaming life on not making necessary changes is not working. I've not been holding myself accountable. Instead I've been whining. The result: Weight gain and a closet of gorgeous clothes that don't fit. In fact, I weigh more today than I did before I came off of OPTIFAST.

No more whining. No more excuses I know what to do and how to do it. I've been trying to appease my partner's sensibilities. They're good sensibilities but they don't always work for me. So - no more appeasing on the ones that don't work for me.

And no more hiding. I'm going to be honest on here about my weight. I log it on Friday's so I will post an entry.

Sigh - I'll even list out what I ate here. Maybe some constructive feedback will be helpful. :)

And one last more "no more": No more beating myself up.

Constant Revisiting

The past couple entries on the Refuse to Regain blog have been interesting to me. Barbara talks about how boring the word maintenance be and then Lynn gives us an uplifting way to think about it - sustenance.

I took a day of vacation last Friday and was able to enjoy my morning coffee with my partner, while sitting out on the porch listening to the birds. That's a rare treat on most weekdays now, but I was reminded of a ritual I used to practice almost every morning while listening to the birds greet the day: morning pages.

I got the idea of morning pages from Julie Cameron's The Artist's Way. It's the only exercise from the book I ever practices with any regularity. The idea is this: first thing in the morning, get up and immediately start writing. Write until you've filled 3 pages. And no, the writing does not occur at keyboard with words magically appearing on the screen. The writing involves taking pen to paper. Just write what comes to mind - without judgement. I remember many times just writing "I'm sleepy. I have nothing to write" and then thoughts would start flowing.

I turned Cameron's ritual into my own. I would make myself a cup of coffee. Light three candles (one for peace, one for love, and one for joy) and burn some incense. Soft music (not loud enough to drown out the birdsong) would play in the background. And then I'd write. This is a wonderfully peaceful way to start the day.

And I miss this ritual.

Today, I partially practiced it. I had soft music playing as I wrote. Unfortunately, our house is so well made that unless windows are open, it's rare to hear birdsong. And it's pollen season here - no open windows. But I wrote and I felt more at peace than I have in a while. And I remembered how at one point in my life, I would try to ask myself if a behavior I was about to practice would engender peace in my life.

I thought about my "Don't Go Hungry" questions and realized that in many ways, those questions also ask if eating and my food choice will help me feel at peace. Let's face it - if I eat a greasy hamburger, 3 hours later I probably won't be feeling very peaceful with myself. Same goes for scarfing down a dozen speckled eggs (my favorite Easter treat). Not only do the indulgences typically make me feel a bit ill, they also typically make me feel guilty. Guilt and peace don't normally go hand in hand.

So, I'm revisiting the DGH questions and perhaps revamping them somewhat:

1. Am I hungry? Will eating now engender feelings of peacefulness?
2. How will this food feel as I eat it? Will eating it make me feel guilty or at peace?
3. How will this food feel right after I've finished eating it? Will I feel at peace with myself after eating it?
4. How will this food feel 1 hour after I eat it? Will my body feel content?
5. How will this food feel 2-3 hours after I eat it? Will my body still be feeling content?
6. Will this food still be with me 3 hours after eating? Will my body begin to be feeling hungry and needing nourishment?

One thing I've learned over the past year - overeating may feel good right as it's happening, but usually within 1 hours, I'm miserable. My body will not let me feel at peace with myself because I've abused it again by overeating. This is what I need to avoid in order to feel at peace with my body and my treatment of it.

Another thing I've learned - the constant revisiting of my tools and strategies is what has helped me maintain instead of gain. Accepting this also brings about peace.