And people wonder why ....

... I get on my high horse about food:

Burger King Unveils 1000 Calories Burger

That's right 1000 calories.  Thats' about 2/3 of my daily allowance IF I get a good workout in.  Less if I don't.

4 patties of meat product

5 slices of cheese product

bacon flavored product

buns injected with HFCS

All of it 'pre-digested' so it is easier to swallow so that we can eat it more quickly and not feel satiated and want more.

This is why I get on my high horse about food.   This is why I refuse to eat at most national chain restaurants, especially fast-food ones.   We are seeing more and more proof (The End of Overeating by David Kessler, The Ominvore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan and others I haven't read) that the food industry has purposefully perverted our food supply to ensure the maximum profit and changing the way we as a society view and consume food.  

We no longer KNOW what a serving of food is.   Restaurants serve up huge portions (often enough for 3 or more) on one plate and call it lunch, knowing that we'll be back for more at dinner.

We no longer KNOW what we are eating.   Restaurant food, and packaged foods are processed with chemicals to make it easier for us to chew it.  They are infused with fat, sugar and salt to appeal to our palate (overload) and increase the desire for more.   But we don't look at the ingredients of what we buy. We look at the nutrition label - always the calories and then whatever macro nutrient is in or out of favor.    We don't look down the ingredients list to learn that the low fat content is due to a hefty dose of sugars -natural and chemical, or that the low sugar content is due to a hefty dose of fats and artificial sweeteners.

The sad part?  Too  many of us just don't care.  We say "I don't have time."

Until we reclaim the time and knowledge necessary to provide our bodies with real food,  our society will continue to see obesity rise above epidemic levels.  We will continue to see the epidemic of Type II Diabetes and other metabolic disorders.   We will continue to see a rise in the diagnosis of heart disease in our children.   We will continue to give power to greedy immoral corporations to perpetuate our diseases.

It's time to take back control.

Punishing Myself With Food

Warning – this will probably be a long and somewhat convoluted post as I explore what I mean when I say “punishing myself with food.”

To give a little bit of background – when I was obese, I was also quite depressed.  I felt lots of shame about many aspects of my life:  not doing better in college, not having a glamorous job, not managing my finances, not having a special someone in my life. 

I especially felt a lot of shame about that last one.  Meals were meant to be eaten with someone and I had no one with whom to share my meals..  I “comforted” myself by choosing to eat whatever I wanted.  There were no boundaries.   Unfortunately, those food choices were often fat-laden simple starches.  Or fake food from restaurants.   But as I ‘comforted’ myself, I also punished myself.  I wolfed my food down – usually in front of the TV or later, in front of the computer screen.   I told myself it wasn’t worth the effort to prepare a nice meal and sit down at the table and enjoy my food.  I told myself I wasn’t worth the effort.

As life got harder and I grew more ashamed about myself, I started ‘rewarding’ myself with food.  It’s Friday – I deserve to order Chinese food.  I deserve to order pizza.  And I punished myself – I wolfed down what I ordered so quickly I didn’t taste it.  And I inhaled so much that I invariably didn’t feel well afterwards.

The pattern was: I can eat what I want, but no one can see me and above all else  - I must not enjoy it.

I repeated this pattern all the way up to almost 250 lbs and even the threat of Type II Diabetes didn’t make a difference.  

I had an even bigger reason to feel shame:  I was OBESE.  No longer plump.  No longer fat.  But OBESE.

I had screwed up college, my finances, my career and my health.   I wasn’t worthy of enjoying anything in life.  And to numb the pain of it, I ate.  And to ensure I didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of enjoying life, I ate enough to stay obese.

I locked myself up in a prison of fat.   I used food to punish myself for not living up to expectations.  

The fat served two purposes:  it kept people from seeing my shame and it kept people from hurting me.   And a third insidious purpose was to perpetuate the cycle of feeling bad, numbing the feeling with food, feeling worse because I ate inappropriately.

Somewhere along the journey, I got some help.  I started chiseling away at the walls.  I lost a few lbs – enough to feel pretty from time to time.   And I met D.

I may have done the work in losing the weight, but I have to be honest – I don’t know that I would have done it if I hadn’t met D.  He was/is gentle and kind.  At the same time, he’s disciplined.   He understood I had a problem and didn’t know how to break through the blocks I had put up to prevent me from solving it.   And he helped me find a path that would work for me: take food choice out of the equation.   It worked and I lost weight.  And I’ve kept most of it off.  

The prison walls came down.  I felt stronger.  I let people in.  Life isn’t a bowl of cherries – but I no longer, for the most part, want to live it in a state of food-induced numbness.

But the demon still lurks.  The voice that says I’m not good enough is almost always whispering in my head.  I’m not good enough because I didn’t make my goal weight.  I’m not good enough because I’ve put on a few pounds.  I’m not good enough because I don’t look like I’m 18.  

And when life gets hard and I want to turn to food for ‘comfort’ I have to be VERY careful to not let that desire for comfort turn into a full-fledged flogging.  The whip?  Food.   The scary part is how quickly that switch can happen. 

Isn’t it ironic?   I beat myself up for not weighing 130 lbs by over-eating.   How whacked is that?

I understand it’s whacked.  I also understand I’ve been practicing this behavior most of my adult life.  It’s not one that’s going to be solved overnight.   Being cognizant of it and looking for replacement habits is truly the key.

Great reading

Thanks to Polly for bringing Annie's post to my attention - and thanks to Annie for posting such a great entry in her blog - The Amazing Shrinking Girl.

Annie's entry reminds us to focus on the positive aspects of staying on track with our weight management goals instead of the 'negative.'   I think it's very timely as we move into 'feast' season and we map our way from cocktail parties to treats at work to festive holiday meals.  We all know we need to adhere to boundaries as we go through the holiday season.  How we think about the boundaries can help or hinder us.

It's been splurgy kind of weekend

Brandied chicken for dinner last night.  Boneless, skinless chicken breasts are quite healthy.  The almost 1 whole cup of cream that went into the brandy sauce, well - that negates everything.  But oh my - it's so good.

And today, D sprung it on me that he was hankering The Redd House.  Had I known that - I would have suggested something much healthier for dinner last night.  But I did OK at The Redd House - I filled a plate with veggies first: collards, green beans, pintos and small spoonfuls of candied sweet potatoes and corn bread dressing.  THEN I got a small plate for the meats - 1 fried chicken drumstick.  1 piece of fried cat fish.  2 hushpuppies. 2 slivers of fried green tomatoes.  1 fried chicken liver.  I skipped the grilled pork chop and the scalloped potatoes.

But the good part is that I didn't eat all of it!  I ate about 1/2 of the drumstick - and pulled the skin off first.  And I ate 1/2 of the catfish.  OK - I ate the whole chicken liver and the hushpuppies.  They were good this week.

And strawberry shortcake and some kind of pound cake with chocolate sauce.  Small portions.

And I logged it all:  Just under 1000 calories.   I'm not hungry so I'll skip dinner.  Calorie-wise, it's an OK day.  My arteries thank me for not eating this way all that often.

Rethinking my points system

It hit me the other day that I'm committing a cardinal sin and setting myself up for failure.  I'm trying to track way too many behaviors in my rewards program.  So I'm rethinking it - in terms of priority and what's going on in my life right now.

My biggest challenge between now and New Year's is not eating all the treats that will be a constant in our break rooms.  Most days, it is easy enough to pass through the break rooms and pretend I don't see the food.  But the treats that will be in the office over the next several weeks are not the usual fare.  A bit harder to pass up.   And on Wednesdays, it can be even harder.  I have to provide breaks to the receptionist on Wednesdays and well - I hate sitting at the front desk.  As I will use ANYTHING as a reward, especially food.  And the front desk is right next to the kitchen for one of the main conference rooms.  Lots of food left over at lunch - and that's when I have to sit up there.  I can do some serious damage to my clean eating plan on Wednesdays.

The next biggest challenge is always with me - 'sneak eating' as I cook or clean the kitchen.   It's not as bad as it had been, but I am still doing it sometimes.  And I think this one behavior by itself is probably the main reason I haven't reached goal.

SO - until New Year's, I'm going to focus on three behaviors (the third is a surprise):

1.   Choosing to not eat anything at work that I didn't take to work
2.   Choosing to not eat unless I'm sitting down
3.   Choosing to not punish myself with food.  (This gets an entire post later)

And there won't be points.  That's too much work to tracks.  Here's the reward plan

Choosing to not eat anything I didn't take to work - 

For each successful day, I will give myself time to look for songs or iPhone apps to add to an iTunes wishlist.

Each WEDNESDAY evening, I will assess the previous 5 work days (Thurs - Wed) and for each  successful week, I will give myself 1 song or 1 app.

Choosing to eat only when sitting down -

For each successful day, I will give myself time to look at recipes on the Internet.

Each SATURDAY morning,  I will assess the previous week and for each successful week, I earn a  magazine - one that either promotes BALANCED healthy living, or healthy recipes.

Choosing to not punish myself with food - 

This will be hard to measure.  For now, I'll say that each time I delay eating when I have the impulse to do so when feeling stressed is a successful choice to not punish myself with food.

For each day I successful choose to not punish myself with food, I earn 5 minutes of quiet time.

Each SATURDAY morning, I will assess my week and for each successful week, I earn manicure.  When I see my nice nails, it will be a reminder that I don't need to punish myself.

That's it.

Friday Weigh-In - Down .2 lbs

Friday Weigh-In  
11/6: 154.4 
11/13: 153.2 -1.2 lbs 
11/20: 153 - .2/1.4 lbs  


The # before the slash will represent the change for the week and the # after it will be the overall change.  


This week is a disappointment, but not much of one. Actually it proved that I can maintain without exercising if I am careful with my eating. That said, I did eat to lose so I'm chalking up the miniscule change to sodium and some digestive issues that to discuss openly would be TMI. Something hit me yesterday as I realized I was going to have 3 days in a row with no exercise: I am no longer going to let my workout schedule RULE my life. I have to admit I've been doing that for the past 2 years. Going 3 days without exercise is a bit too much, but it won't kill me as long as I eat carefully. And sometimes, like when tiny kittens first start demanding my attention, that the priority needs to shift. I needed to spend as much time as possible with Tiny Fergus to make sure he felt safe. He does now. And I'll be working out today.

Embrace your geekness

I recently purchased an iPhone.  I LOVE it!  I have to admit - I get excited by shiny really cool gadgets and the iPhone definitely falls into that category.

I was recently asked what my favorite app was and I had to think about it.  It's not a game.  I have played games on it, but I do my best to not get hooked into computer games.  The next thing I know, it's 6pm and I've done NONE of my chores for the day.  Not good.  Anyway, back to the favorite app - it's called Daily Tracker.

I'm using it to track my daily points.  The cool thing?  You can export the data as a .csv file and load it into Excel for analysis.  OK - so may be my points don't need THAT much analysis, but it will be good to be able to go to the doc with some definitive information about my cycle.  And I use the app to track that too.

Sometimes our tools in the weight management journey are the habits and mindset we bring to the table.  Other times, they can be real physical tools - or in this case, ones made of bits and bytes.  Embrace them all.

We have a kitten!

We lost one of our cats this summer - D's best friend, Mickey.   We took some time to grieve and mourn.  And when D decided he was ready, he really was ready.   Out of the blue, we went and bought a gorgeous traditional Siamese.  No name yet.

Friday Weigh-In - Down 1.2 lbs

11/6: 154.4

11/13: 153.2 -1.2 lbs

This week hasn't been so bad. I logged all but one day. I did not post daily progress here, but I did at least drone on at length about my meltdown on Wednesday. Thanks to everyone for their support!

Next week's behaviors:

Choose water (goal of 8 cups)

Choose NO to the food at work

Choose to not eat when not hungry

Choose to exercise as planned

Choose to log my food *Choose to prepare my food ahead of time

*Choose to journal (pen and paper)

Choose to have a moment of quiet before eating

Choose to eat all food sitting down

and most importantly:

Choose to not punish myself with food

* All but the * choices are daily.

A different kind of points system

OK - gotta get this out in the open first. I STOLE this idea from The Amazing Shrinking Girl

I've assigned points to behaviors I want to practice. I get daily and monthly rewards. This month, though - is going an extra 5 days so I can end on my birthday.

Behaviors I want to practice:

*Eat ONLY when sitting down. This includes my little piece of chocolate after dinner. This includes ‘tastes’ when cooking. This includes anything that goes in my mouth. Value – 5 points per successful day

*Spend a quiet moment in reflection before eating. This just seems like a really good practice. Value – 1 pt for each occurrence.

Journal the old fashioned way. Because I need to. Value – 5 points per occurrence. Goal at least once a week.

Cook ahead of time so I will be prepared. Value – 5 points for each occurrence. Goal: each weekend.

*Log my food – guesstimating when necessary. The main idea is to be accountable. Value – 3 pts for each complete day.

*Exercise according to plan, including rest days. 5 pts for each occurrence.

*Actively avoid eating when not hungry. 2 pts for each occurrence.

*Choose to not indulge when there is at work. 5 points for each successful day.

* Choose to keep my body hydrated. 1 pt for each cup. Goal is 8 cups

Total daily points: 33

Daily rewards: >28 pts – new song or iPhone app

> 26 pts – time looking for new app or song.

<>

Monthly rewards: 1200

Monthly rewards:

> 85% or 1020 pts = new cookbook – You Know How to Cook ($50)

> 80% or 960 pts = new workout clothes ($30)

> 75% or 900 pts = new make up or something girly ($20)

> 70% or 840 pts = download an album form iTunes ($10)

<>

Post meltdown

OK - so today wasn't so great. Finding out the pants you planned to wear are too tight AFTER waking up 1/2 hour late on the day you need to be in the office early sets up just the right environment for a meltdown.

I think I know what's going on. There's some private stress in my life right now that I can't work through with my usual methods: writing here or on MFD. But to protect the innocent, I can't do that. And for the past month, I've been slip sliding away into old Maura coping: with food.

And today, that's all I wanted. Food. Unhealthy. Lots of of it. Fortunately for me I didn't have lots of it.

And now I'm feeling sleepy but with a bit of optimism and resolve. My wearing a size 10 pants is not the end of the world. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and weigh 211 lbs.

I'm not supposed to have a bubble butt

You know - the number on the scale bothered me last week, but not nearly as much as putting on a pair of slacks this morning. These slacks fit last month. They are now too snug to wear to work.

I have developed a bubble butt in the last month or so. Every pair of slacks I own accentuate said bubble butt. This is not a feature I want accentuated.

I'm trying hard to not freak out. Is this because of the 5 lbs I've put on or is it because of the change in my strength training program? I just don't know. I haven't weighed what I weigh now in 3 years. Have I crossed the line? I seem to remember there were certain places on my journey down the scale where my body visibly shifted. Is it the same on the way up?

And further more, do I go buy more slacks that fit? I currently own two pair that fit well. None of my skirts are comfortable.

Can I whine some more?

PUSH

Wow - started ChaLean Push today and WOW. I loved it. Arms and legs. 30 minutes. What more can a girl who needs strength training who has very little time ask for? OK - a lot. But this is a great start.

I am happy to report that I made it through the weekend successfully and have started off the week with a bang. I'm looking forward to my weigh-in on Friday.

Friday was a success

I've just posted a ton on MFD and my fingers are about typed out. But I did want to write about one insight that came to me: When it comes to weight management, I am not the person I used to be.

The Old Maura would complain about clothing not fitting right while cramming a honey bun in her mouth.

The Old Maura would complain about having no energy while she camped out in front of the TV or computer - eating.

The Old Maura would NEVER step on a scale.

The Old Maura would never take the steps necessary to regain control of her health.

THAT old Maura is gone.

I do complain about my clothing not fitting right - as I eat an unplanned spoonful of peanut butter. So this habit is still there - just with healthier options. One to be worked on.

I don't complain about not having energy. I work out on a consistent basis and wish I had more time to work out more.

I do weigh myself on a consistent basis. And now I'm taking the necessary actions to get that number back to an acceptable range.

And I am very proactive when it comes to being healthy - in a balanced way, I think. I think health comes from attitude, food and movement. Without the right attitude, all the healthy eating and physical activity is for nought. If you aren't happy, it's easier to be sick. But with the right attitude, healthy eating and movement can be just what the doc ordered for a healthy, happy and balanced life.

Hmm - got off on a tangent there.

Back to Old Maura /New Maura. As I brain dumped this morning about not knowing how to lose weight without drastic measure I realized I do know HOW. It's just the OLD Maura would never stick to it. The memory of all my failed attempts to lose weight was making me afraid undertake this part of the journey without the crutch of a 'drastic' measure. Now that I've got that figured out - I feel strong and confident.

I'm on a weight loss regimen...

I hate to make this public announcement but I'm going to because I believe in being honest with oneself. The announcement: I have gained even more weight.

Now - starting every Friday, I'm going to duplicate here, a post I make on MFD. Any words of wisdom and encouragement you might offer in my journey will be greatly appreciated. I've definitely strayed off the path. The good news is that I think I'm working on this soon enough that I don't have to climb a mountain to get back on the path. Now for the duplicate post:

OK. Fridays are weigh-in days and well - as much as I hate it, I'm gonna post my weight here for some public accountability. I am also reminding myself that the number on the scale is not a reflection of who I am - but a measure of how well I've been managing my weight. And that number shows I need to improve in that area.

Friday 11/6: 154.4

So - here's to starting my first 'official' weight loss regimen in over 4 years. Now let's set some goals.

First - the number goals:
Short term - to be under 150 on January 1st.
Longer term - to be under 145 by March 1st
At that stage, I'll re-evalute my goals.

Number goals are pretty useless without daily & weekly behavioral goals. I will be resetting these goals here every week.

This week's goals:
1. Update my progress on my behavioral goals on a daily basis - accountability
2. Daily journaling. This will be offline and involve pen, paper and ritual. - Emotional health
3. Daily food logging - all food - knowledge is power.
4. Exercise - Beef up the cardio (time not intensity). Push ahead with PUSH. Yoga or Pilates 1x per week. - Physical health
5. Come up with a viable eating plan and implement it
6. Explore the concept that I may not actually know how to LOSE weight without drastic means.
7. Weigh myself ONCE a week. Not daily. Fridays are weigh-in days.

That's it. It sucks to have to be undergoing this during the feasting season. But well so be it. If I don't undergo it now, I hate to think of what I'd need to address come January.

That's it for now.

ChaLean vs Jari

The verdict - I like them both for different reasons. I like the calmness of Jari Love's workouts. Even her Extremely Ripped workout (faster paced - counts as cardio) seems calm compared to Chalene Johnson's strength training (no cardio) program. That said, most of Jari's workouts are too long and they become tedious rather than calming. Chalean's ChaLean Extreme workouts average about 35 minutes - which is much better suited to my busy schedule. But I don't feel relaxed after them the way I do Jari's.

So for now, the plan is to FINISH ChaLean Extreme. I start the Push phase next week. After I finish the Lean Phase, I plan to do 1 day of ChaLean Extreme and 1 day of Jari Love for my strength training. Pilates will round out the 3rd day. And then there's cardio.

First Day Back - a semi success

I got too aggressive with calorie restriction - especially in the fat department and I was hungry and out of food. Not a good thing to be in an office environment the first day after Halloween. I succumbed to some of the crap candy - but at least I took only a few pieces and made sure it was candy I still really like: Milk Duds(2 mini), Butter Finger(1 fun size), and Snickers (1 fun size).

People - don't be fooled by the small size of those Butter Fingers and Snickers fun size bars. 1 bar (and who really eats just one) is a whopping 100 calories. When you're vertically challenged the way I am, you need to be careful throwing around "100 calories here, 100 calories there. What's 100 calories gonna hurt?" Um...those 10 lbs I'm thinking about shedding.

Anyway - I'm not upset about the small candy splurge. My calories are still good for the day and overall - my food today is infinitely better than it was same day last week. But I still can taste that country fried steak. And I can still remember waking up in pain!

As a fellow weight manager noted - make sure the calorie splurge is worth it!