I can have as much as I want

Last night, D and I were talking about family and I mentioned that my maternal grandfather was the only one who loved me unconditionally. I related the story of how he caught raiding my grandmother's Christmas goodies and instead of jumping my case about it he asked, "Sure does taste good, doesn't it, honey?" It was so different from the shaming remarks my mother would have made had she been the one who had caught me. And of course, that is the reason I was sneaking to begin with.

Back to last night - after I relayed the story, it hit me that I later felt like I had to sneak love and that perhaps I was sneaking "love" when I was a child too. D was about to start "helping" me by offering his opinion and I stopped him. I told him I had to get my head around some things and that I did that by writing. Which I did a few minutes ago.

And what I discovered was that for the sneak eating, I really did not have to delve deeply into why I did it as a child. I did it because I was constantly being told I couldn't have as much of whatever food it was that I wanted.

Why I did it back then doesn't matter except that I can learn more about myself now as I explore why I do it now. There's really not that much to explore. I sneak eat for the same reason I did back then: I'm rebelling against anyone who tells me what to eat, how much to eat, or to stop eating.

But the thing is, I CAN eat as much food as my BODY wants. Not my head or my mouth, but my body.

I've listening to Geneen Roth's Women, Food, and God during my commutes to and from work. I love listening to her - she's so calm and funny and real. Ive found myself actually listening to my body and trying give it what it wants, not what my head uses to swallow feelings. And in feel lighter spiritually than I have in a very long time. I'm happy. I like that.

I highly recommend another book for one women's insights as she makes peace with herself after weight loss: After the Before and After by Karen Anderson. I also recommend Geneen Roth's books.

Cleaning

When I returned to the work force after about a 9 month break, my husband, then boyfriend, insisted I hire a maid.  I interviewed two services and liked both.  I chose the one I'm currently using because the owner seemed to have an interest in our cats - other than wondering how much "in the way" they were going to be while she cleaned.

My husband and I are not messy people and we clean after ourselves and my once a week housecleaning that I did when I wasn't working took me about 4 hours - with a couple of short breaks.  That allowed for deep cleaning in one room and maintenance cleaning in the rest of the house.  The rotation worked well.  (Thanks FlyLady!)

When my maid first started, I was pleased as could be  - she cleaned as well as I did.  And she's a sweetie - when my back was out last year, she offered to go to the store, run errands, etc for me.  I'm not sure her boss would have approved, but I very much appreciated the offer even though I didn't need to take her up on it.  When Harry died (seems like our cats die on cleaning day),  D met her at the door and explained that she would not be able to clean upstairs (where Harry was).  Instead of cleaning downstairs and leaving - she rearranged her schedule and came back the next day to clean the entire house.  She has a heart of gold.

Her boss, on the other hand, seems to think it's OK to work her maids on national holidays.  She also seems to think that S can clean my house in one and a half hours.  And we've noticed things starting to really slip - dust build up on our dining room furniture, etc.  I once asked S if she needed to come a different day so she could work longer in our house.  She said no.

After this weekend, I'm afraid I have to take a more assertive stance.  I cleaned the dining room furniture and the kitchen cabinets thoroughly.  It became painfully clear that she's not even wiping down the faces of the cabinets and there was a dust build up on the dining room chairs.  I know she can't do a deep clean every week, but she was there on Thursday - there should not have been dust on those chairs on Saturday!

So, me and my Old English friend became reacquainted.  And I have to say - I love how the kitchen cabinets are gleaming.  What I didn't like was how nauseated I felt when I finished this morning.  To much Old English fumes?  How could the smell of lemon oil make me ill?

Anyway, I'm torn.  I don't want to fire my cleaning service and hurt S.  I don't care about her boss - but if I quit the service, it will ultimately hurt S.  And I have to say, I've missed the satisfaction and almost instant reward of cleaning.  Done with some elbow grease, it gets the heart rate up a wee bit, too!

For now, I plan to leave S a note on cleaning day - if I could arrange to work remotely that day, I would but Thursdays are difficult to be remote.  So - the note is going to tell her what I found and that I think she's not being given enough time do everything and offer again, to change days.  If we do end up having to stop the service, I think I may try keeping house myself.   I did so like those gleaming cabinets.

Procrastination

As I typed that, I heard Carly Simon in my head and I can't even think of the song.  Oh well.  My CRS is acting up lately.  But I'm procrastinating - it's Friday and I'd rather not work today.

I didn't let myself get terribly depressed about something this week.  I ordered a beautiful dress from Talbots - in a size I haven't had to wear in about more than 5 years.  And it didn't fit.  The shoulders fit.  The back fit. The bodice fit.  The front part of the skirt did not fit and it had some to do with my size, but much more to do with my body shape and having some excess skin - that's filled back up some.  I have a belly.  A major belly.  I had one at my happy weight too and that dress in the size I wore at my happy weight probably would not have looked good anyway.

The thing is, we're celebrating my father's birthday on August 27th.  In the sand hills (sort of) of South Carolina.  It will be hotter than three hells there.  I need a nice dress that is on the dressy side for dinner, but not so dressy I can't wear it to work.  I'm going to have to go shopping and I HATE shopping.

But the real point is that I understood it was more the cut of the dress than  my size that made it not work.  That really is progress.

Little Successes

Out to lunch two days in a row - I ordered salad  yesterday - dressing on the side please.  And salad today. Today's salad may have been a mistake - I didn't get the dressing on the side and it seemed to be on the sweet side.  And I did order a cup of black bean soup.  That's cause tonight is no dinner night.  I just had a carb control bar.

But the little successes feel good.  And more importantly - I feel better.

Salads = Feeling Better

I've had two days with salad for my lunch and my digestive system is already feeling better.  I don't feel so bloated and icky.  Yay!

On the sugar front - I said no to a cupcake yesterday.  Yay.  I didn't say no to an ear of roasted corn and a slice of cantaloupe - and the blood sugars were slightly elevated this morning.  Sigh.   Some of my favorite summer foods - healthy ones at that - are gonna make me ill one day?

And the Million Bells - doesn't look so good since D took over.  I'm not going to fight him on this.  But I know it will not bloom unless it gets hours of full sun each day.

And I finished a scarf last night.  Well, almost finished.  The knitting part is done.  I have to weave in some ends and then block it.  I can't wait to see the true finished project.  It's gorgeous unblocked and I have a feeling the blocking is going to make it even better.

And I'm putting off going to work.  Guess I'd best stop that.

Sweets - not so much

And corn too.  That makes me sad - I love fresh corn roasted on the grill.

But, I've been checking my blood sugar levels routinely each morning and find the spike if I eat sweets (like  half of D's piece of buttermilk pie at lunch yesterday) and corn.  Amazingly,  so far, rice and pasta don't have that much of an impact on it.

So, I'm gonna limit sweets for a while and continue to monitor the glucose levels.

And I've decided to work with the heat instead of against it - I really want cold foods for my meals.  And they need to be easy.  Um - can anyone say SALAD?   What can be easier than salad for lunch?

Eat in Public Wednesdays

This is a weight related blog - just  because I feel the need to write a little and set my intention.

Slow Down Tuesday last week didn't work so well.  It seems to me that I remember what I'm supposed to do AFTER I do what is not good for my body.  But last night, I stopped myself in mid lick when one of Geneen Roth's guidelines popped in my head:  Eat with the intent of being seen.

D had made a wonderful rosemary mustard sauce - cream based.  And I was indulging in sneak eating as I cleaned.  Until that rule popped in my head.  And I actually stopped - I didn't wait until today.  I stopped mid-lick.   That rule resonated.  

So today, I will eat as if I'm eating in public, even if I'm alone at my desk.

Update on the Million Bells - I so wish D hadn't decided HE had to save it.  He won't listen to me and I know it needs more sun than it's getting.  It's not looking very happy.

Can it be saved?

On a whim, I bought two beautiful hanging baskets of Million Bells to enjoy on our porch by the creek in the mountains.  The flowers were abundant and quite beautiful and I really enjoyed having them on the porch.  I had read that Million Bells require full sun so when we left that weekend, I put the plants in full sun, watered them well and asked the lady who takes care of the house to drop by and water them during the week.

Upon my return for the girl's weekend - both baskets were fried.  I almost wrote them off as a bad idea but I saw life in one.  I picked off all the dead flowers and watered it and it perked up.  I brought it home with me so it could have more regular water and TLC.  The other basket I thought was beyond hope, but I watered it well regardless.  The next time D and I went to the mountains, it showed signs of life so I cut away almost all of the plant and brought it home with us.

So, first plant really starts looking great.  Until D decided to put back out in full sun (they can't tolerate the heat we've been having in GA) and it stayed there over the 4th of July weekend with no water.  Oops.  So we're back to trying to save both plants.

At least it's an interesting project and one full of hope.

And for an uplifting post about human nature - read this entry from the Perrenial Plate blog: Small Town Goodness

A quick rant- typical southern food DOES NOT make you fat!

I got a little bent out of shape yesterday - once again traditional southern food has been touted as the cause for obesity. It's not.

Slow Down, Eat and Be Kind Tuesdays

For the next 8 weeks,  I’m going to focus on an aspect of Marc David’s  The Slow Down Diet – incorporating wisdom form Geneen Roth’s Women, Food and God and Jean Fain’s The Self Compassion Diet.   Though diet is in the title of David’s and Fain’s books – they are not diet books.  They are books filled with information and suggestions on how to reach a healthy weight without the stress most standard diets produce.  The suggestions they provide are more about creating peace with oneself which opens up the mind to possibilities of eating for nourishment.

Wildlife

D and I spent a relaxing weekend at our mountain retreat - lots of time to knit,  and knit and knit.  And when I wasn't knitting - I spent time pretending to wage war on weeds.

More changes

I'm changing the blog somewhat.  I'll still post rambling thoughts about weight management, but they may not (hopefully won't) be the sole focus of this blog.  I have other interests - I enjoy cooking, reading and knitting and I'm learning about taking care of plants - annuals and perennials.  But no one ever hears about those things from me.  Instead they hear whining and complaining about weight management.  Or my latest and greatest approach to weight management.  It has been the sole focus of my life since I was about 8 years old.  When things didn't go well,  I blamed my weight.   And I stopped living.